What Christmas Feels Like For Me (with Neurodivergence)

Neurodiversity has a surprising large attack-surface on life. Diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s, and with autistic traits abound, I am learning every day a new way these things make my life more... interesting.

Christmas doesn’t get to escape untouched. I have struggled to “accept” the whole month of December for as long as I can remember. There are traps everywhere.

Everything is Different

The most impactful one for me is that everything is suddenly different. I can’t get my shopping delivered on the same day as usual. I feel like I have to “buy in advance” because habitual foods might disappear off the shelves for two weeks, replaced by a (disgusting) Christmas Pudding.

The things I rely on to ground me are all suddenly unpredictable or unavailable:

• Public Transport is different (are there trains today?)
• Opening times are different
• Media is different (yearly recap episodes and “Christmas Specials” feel like they aren’t the real thing to me)
• Everyone else’s routine is suddenly different (colleagues all having different holiday dates, for example)
• The look of things are different - for example packaging is decorated funny

To some these things might seem like I’d want to control the world around me - but honestly, these types of stable constants are what allow me to at least consider feeling secure.

Unclear expectations

What do I buy people? Will it be “enough”? Why do this anyway - isn’t it just me spending £50 on a guess, you spending £50 on a guess? Why don’t we just spend £50 on ourselves for something that we know we want?

What do I bring to this gathering? Do I know them well enough to wear X?

I understand a lot of neurotypical people are plagued with these conundrums, not only us spectrum-residents. But, for me at least, it’s the accumulation of everything, plus unclear expectations.

You must enjoy

Feeling low on a day in June is one thing. Feeling low on Christmas Day is apparently doubly-shameful and you’re wasting a special occasion.

Coupled with that, is the feeling that you must be more social than usual. Catch up with everyone. I love this thought in theory, but in practice the extra socialising heaps on to all the other pressures of the period and exhausts me.

Not all grumpy

There are parts of Christmas that speak to me. The period of rest that only seems possible after sometime in the afternoon of the 25th, until I’m back to work in early January is delicious. All expectations have been released, all mistakes made, nothing more to plan (oh, apart from how you’ll spend the crucial moment at Midnight January 1st).

It feels like less people are around December 26th onwards, making it a bit more peaceful to explore somewhere in a less claustrophobic way. And if I stay in, it’s extra cosy to cuddle up around that time.

I can’t help but be interested in how other people, neurodiverse or otherwise, relate to all this? I’d always love to talk - matt@mattharwood.com or on the Fediverse